Mental Muscles

Anybody whose ever done any kind of physical exercise (I really hope that's everyone) knows that you can't do it forever.  Eventually your muscles start to wear down and you are physically unable to go any further.  At this point, you're probably in a little bit of pain, feeling that burn.  But if we know that exercising will bring us pain, why do we keep doing it?

Because we know what the outcome will be.  Sure we'll feel sore the next day, but after our muscles build back up we will be able to do more than we did before.  We have to break our muscles down to build them back up bigger.

This same idea goes for charisma.  Your charm is not just an endless flow of awesomeness continually emanating from your body (wouldn't that be cool though?).  It's something you can consciously turn on and off because you only have a limited amount of supply.  I've been reading a lot that you only have a set amount of willpower to use throughout the day.  If you are on a diet and constantly smell that box of donuts your co-worker brought in, it's going to take a lot of energy to not eat one of those donuts.  It will physically and mentally drain you.  BUT, continual exposure to and resistance of the donuts will build up this supply of willpower.  Sure, in the beginning you will be exhausted, but each time it will get easier and easier.  

I've been noticing the same thing when I'm trying to be charismatic.  I'll get really tired after only a couple hours.  I'll sometimes go home thinking "Man this stuff is exhausting, is it even worth it?"

The answer has to be yes.  I'm just not used to being so outgoing for extended periods of time.  I have to break down my mental walls to build up my endurance.  

That being said, i probably am overdoing it a little bit.  This improv stuff is going STRAIGHT to my head.  I find myself improvising during almost every conversation.  The other day I told my mom that I was getting a tattoo of a dragon on my left ass cheek.  She didn't freak, but she certainly was not pleased.

I'm going to try to tone it down a bit, but not too much.  I want to get used to being mentally fatigued, so much so that it doesn't affect my charisma anymore.  I need to get to the point where I'm not thinking about all the things that go into a charismatic personality and it just becomes second nature.  I need to let the subconscious take over, and to do that I have to teach it through my conscious mind.

I just ordered this book "Mind Over Mood" which pretty much teaches you exactly that - how to continually repeat things to yourself using your conscious mind so that you can train your subconscious mind to think in more beneficial ways.  Mad excited to start that, I'll let you know how it is!

In the arms of the angels...

So one thing I've been really excited to learn about is visualization and the ability to control your current mental state.  I cannot stress enough how invaluable a skill this is.  This was the main transformation I saw in myself after finishing the book "The Power of Now".  I was able to recognize when I would begin to have negative feelings, and I taught myself to objectively watch myself have these feelings.  Without bias, I simply observed the emotion without reacting to it, described what it felt like physically and mentally.  Immediately, the negative emotion was gone.  It was as if the emotion was a spiteful child who only wanted attention.  Refuse this attention, and the emotion melts away.

The stress in my life has SIGNIFICANTLY lessened, but this is not really "Controlling" mental states.  This is more defusing negative states.  I want to learn to fill myself with an emotion of my choosing at the drop of a hat.  Visualization is the key to this skill.

Over the course of my reading I have come across multiple methods that I will discuss in other posts, but I wanted to share one simple method that anyone can put to use today.

Remember when you were preparing for a certain event where you would be the center of attention?  It's quite daunting when you are not used to it.  As expected, someone close to you tries to calm you down and suggest "Imagine everyone else in their underwear!"  This is kind of like that.

What I've learned to do is imagine everyone with angel wings on their back.  Big, glorious, glowing angel wings, spread wide for the world to see.  Sound silly? Let me explain.

When talking with others, one characteristic that is vital to your charisma is warmth.  You gotta be nice dammit!!  You can have all the confidence in the world, but if you don't genuinely care about the well being of others, it will be apparent in your everyday interactions.  Now tell me, if you bump into a guy with angel wings walking on the street are you going to yell out "Hey dickhead, get outta my way!"?

No, you're not.  You're probably going to be concerned that they are hurt, concerned that you inconvenienced them on their journey to whatever destination they have.  The guys got freaking angel wings... I mean, come on.

Imagining everyone as angels just gives you that warm feeling inside.  It opens you up to seeing the inherent good in others, giving them the benefit of the doubt that they are genuinely nice people.  You will go into any interaction with an advantage because your warmth levels will be off the charts.  You will also find that you're less nervous.  Honestly, what bad is an angel gonna do you?  Except for Ben Affleck in "Dogma".  He was a bad angel, don't imagine him.

See these angels all around you, and then see yourself as one of them, part of a team all trying to make the world a better place.  Yea it sounds lame as hell, but who cares??  Your body language will be so relaxed and your demeanor will show a caring for other people.  I've been doing this for a week now and it only get's better the more I try it.

Give it a shot!  No one's going to know, what do you have to loose?  Commit to it, give it 100% and I'm telling you it will work.  You'll feel light like your floating on a cloud... or something, it's cool!

If you try it and it works, that's awesome!  Comment and share your story so others can learn and see that this silly, lame, korny shit actually works!

4 Fiber Bars in One Day is 4 Too Many Fiber Bars

I try to stay healthy.  Everything I read is telling me to eat more fiber - "It's good for your heart" "It helps your stomach" "It lowers the calories you intake".  Okay, you win society... I'll play your little game and eat some fiber.  What could go wrong?

I'm actually pretty familiar with the harsh effects of fiber, and if you are not, be sure to google it before you go all fiber crazy.  Back in my wrestling days, I would do whatever I could to shed a couple more ounces without actually having to workout.  The more fiber I took in, the more it pushed EVERYTHING else out (know what I'm saying?)... It makes you shit... like a lot

So in this midst of my new found obsession for health food, I decided to get back on the wagon and once again begin a high fiber diet.  Turns out that when you combine a protein shake, a glass of wheat grass juice, 3 cups of cottage cheese and 4 spoon fulls of chunky peanut butter with 200% of your daily value of fiber, it turns to stone... or explodes.. Scientifically, I cannot describe what was happening in my stomach, but it felt like world war 3 (stay with me here, the charisma stuff is coming).

It started on the train into the city.  I felt the McGurggles starting, but it wasn't too bad.  Walking over to the bar where I was to meet a friend was where shit got real.  I'm no literary mastermind so I won't try to impress you with some crazy metaphor here, but it hurt... a lot

I was meeting a friend I haven't seen in a while.  We weren't that close, but just felt like catching up a little bit.  I thought this was a perfect opportunity to put on my charismatic face and have a great conversation.  That is not what happened.

I tried to keep a straight face man, I really tried.  In the end, my effort was futile.  I was shifting my weight from side to side like an uncomfortable 4th grader asking a girl out for the first time.  As much as I tried to ignore this immense pain, it was the only thing I could focus on.  I wasn't able to listen to what my friend was saying, I wasn't able to stay present.  Furthermore, I could tell that she was starting to notice something was wrong.  My pain was starting to show through my body language and looking at her face, I noticed she felt uncomfortable because she knew I felt uncomfortable (follow me so far?).  

Our brains are so hardwired around our own lives, we take any signal of someone else being uncomfortable to be because of ourselves.  I can't say say for certain, but I can imagine the thoughts in her head going something like this:

"What the fuck is he doing?  Why does he look like he is about to shit himself?  Man, he looks so uncomfortable right now.  Is it because of me? Am I making him feel uncomfortable? What did I do to make him feel uncomfortable?  Great, now I feel uncomfortable... Thanks a lot Chris"

In the end I couldn't take it anymore.  I had to leave, but I couldn't just say goodbye and bolt.  That'd be weird.  I had no choice.  The only way to relieve this tension was to fess up and be honest.

"I really have to go.  I ate 4 fiber bars today and I now realize that was a huge mistake.  My stomach is killing me"

Her face of "This is awkward" melted away to reveal a more "Haha holy shit man that sucks" kind of face.  Immediately there was no more tension.  I put everything out on the table and made it clear that it was not her who was making me uncomfortable.  

I ended up actually leaving, the pain was too much to bear, but there are three things to take away from this experience:

1) Though your mental state is the main driver of your charisma, physical discomfort can be a HUGE liability.  Like I said in a previous post, what you're truly feeling inside will always come through in your body language, no matter how hard you try to hide it.  The other person will instinctively take this to mean that they are the cause of your discomfort.

2) Take every precaution you can to avoid any type of physical discomfort when you know you are going to have to be charismatic.  Where sunglasses to avoid the glare of the sun, take a shower to feel nice and fresh, and please please do not eat 4 fiber bars in one day.

3) If done all you can to prevent physical discomfort, but it comes anyway, just admit it.  Be open and explain it, that way the person you're talking to will know they are not the cause 

Win the Inner Battle to Fight the Outer War

It's funny how you can read so many different books, each with their own point of view and medium of expression, but then notice that they all have the same exact overarching theme.   Not all the books I've been reading have been on the subject of charisma, but apparently, all the authors had a conference and decided to write about the same exact thing and spin it different ways.

To change the world around you, you must first look inside the world within you.  And since the world within you lives and feeds on thoughts, you must first change the way you think.  

These 2 sentences pretty much sum up the last few books I've read.

The Power of Now - Live in the moment.  Don't burden your mind with thoughts of the future or see your present through the lens of the past.  Be completely present. 

Start - The voices in your head will always be negative.  They are comfortable with the definition of "Identity" that you have right now and will say anything to convince you not to change it.  If these voices are left unchecked, they will destroy you.

The Master Key System - The world without is simply a reflection of the world within.  People try to deal with external problems with external solutions.  They try to fix effects with effects.  The cause of everything in the external world is the environment of the internal world, and here lies the root of all problems.  

       -Mah man Rocky gave me this book, and two chapters in I can already tell it is going to change my life

The Charisma Myth - Most of the power of charisma comes through in your body language.  Since it is near impossible to consciously control every minute detail of your body language, we must control our mental states to portray confident body language.  No matter how hard you try, your body language will always show your true mental state.

Now I haven't read to much of The Charisma Myth, but I can already tell I'm going to like it.  I said in another post that I wanted to learn how to control my mental states and that just so happens to be the first chapter!  

There's a passage from this book that I'd like to share with you.  It sums up the HUGE importance of being able to control your mental state as it pertains to body language:

"No matter how brief that negative expression, the person facing you is going to spot it.  And all they know is that while you were looking at them and listening to them, a negative expression crossed your face.  Naturally they'll assume that expression was a reaction to them - what they said or did, or what you thought about them."

Isn't that so true???  Haven't you ever been talking to someone and could just sense that they were uncomfortable?  The person was probably subtly portraying  negative body language, and us being completely insane humans immediately assumed it was because of us.  It could have been that they forgot to feed the cat or turn the oven off (Yes, these are both things I often think of and sometimes do).  

This idea of having a positive mental state is not only to make ourselves feel comfortable, but to also make those around us feel comfortable.  When we have conversations, we want our face to say "Hey, I am enjoying this conversation and having a great time talking with you".  

I still have to read more details on exactly how to do this, but I wanted to share with you the idea behind it.  This is the "Why" of the equation.  Next is the "How"

You just got Dale Carnegie'd SON!

The day started out really great.  I had my whole work schedule planned out, there was no wandering aimlessly looking for things to do - it was a day to get shit done and I was pumped.

It was about 2:00PM when I received the email.  One of my project managers asked me if I had filled out an internal survey regarding some details about our client.  Nothing too urgent or important, she just wanted to check in on the status.  I told her that I filled it out and sent it along, thinking that I would be praised for getting this done without anyone having to remind me.  That was wrong.

Though this was an internal deliverable - not going out to the client - but it still had it's importance.  This project manager was none to pleased to find out that I sent something out regarding her client without having anyone check it.  

Stage one stress levels - commence

I responded and sent her a link so she could check it over.  As I sat with my fingers crossed, all I could think was "Please don't be filled out wrong, please don't be filled out wrong".  The first words of her email back to me were "This is filled out wrong".

Stage two stress levels - activated

We went back and forth a couple emails explaining what was wrong and how this should have been handled.  My responses were very short, not in a defensive manner, I just knew that I was in the wrong and did not want to dig my hole any deeper; I decided it best to try and lay low.  Turns out this was a bad idea as the next move was to bring a director into the conversation to see how to handle this.

Complete freak out - you bet!

I then received two emails, one from each, explaining the importance of this survey and how proper peer review protocols are to be handled.  My heart racing, and brow sweating, I had to make a move.  I couldn't just lay down and die.  These people smelled blood, and they were gonna get it!

I sat back and gave myself a quick ZEBRA (if you don't know what that is, check out my video post from last week: ZEBRAS!!!).  I had to stop my mind from thinking and bring my adrenaline levels way down.  Once calm, I remembered that this is the exact reason I am trying to master the art of conversation - to know how to deal with every human to human interaction.  In my fit of stress, I had totally forgotten everything I learned and reverted back to everything that was wrong.  Coming to my senses, I sat down, composed my thoughts, walked over, and said the following

"I totally understand and agree.  These surveys are important and we want to make sure the correct people are checking them so that we can produce the most accurate results.  It’s no excuse for not checking in with either of you, but in my defense I was instructed to update the file as I did. 

I’m sorry for this inconvenience, I realize that this could have easily been avoided by simply emailing one of you.  In the future, I will make sure that everything I send out, whether it’s internally or to the client - especially to the client - gets checked by a second pair of eyes.

What steps can I now take to mitigate this mistake?"

I looked back to everything that Carnegie had taught me, and put it into this response.  I started off by agreeing with them, getting them saying "Yes" right off the bat.  I then expressed that I understood their point of view.  I did throw in a little defense, but I made it completely non-threatening and explained that it was "no excuse".  I made it entirely about the other person.  I didn't say how filling out the survey affected me, why I filled it out wrong, what I thought about the survey.  Everything I said was catered to them. 

But the main point was that I was completely and utterly sincere.  I cannot stress this enough, you cannot fake this.  I saw this situation from their perspective and realized how frustrating it must be to have someone go over your head and send in wrong information with your name on it.  I was genuinely sorry, and it showed.

Her response:

"That was a fantastic response. Very appreciated."

It was over, just like that.  No more novels, explaining how I was wrong, or what I should have done.  I showed that I understood the entirety of the situation from their perspective and there was nothing else to be said.

Back to the grind

DAM it's been a while.  I really suck at this whole consistency thing, but I'm back and motivated to write!

I feel like I kind of got side tracked for a couple posts.  Don't get me wrong, the stuff I wrote about was important and has certainly helped me, but it strayed from the topic of conversation.

This last week has been great for me.  I had some time off to enjoy the greatest weekend of the year - the D1 NCAA National Wrestling Tournament.  From noon on Thursday to midnight on Saturday it was non stop wrestling - Bedlam if you will.  Over the weekend I had some great times with friends I haven't seen in a long time.  Catching up is such a joy now.  I try not to focus on getting my point across and making sure what I have to say.  I simply sit back and enjoy watching others enjoy our conversation.

So anywayysssss.  This week I did what I always do when I get bored at work - scour amazon.com and buy shit.  Only this time I didn't buy useless shit that I will never use - OK the 250 incense variety pack might have been a little excessive, but who cares???

I learned there is a great amount of literature on the subject of conversations, but more specifically charisma.  This word has certainly sparked my interest.  While conversation is really just the act, charisma is more of the lifestyle.

You develop charisma, you have charisma, you are charisma.

OK so I'm still not entirely sure on what it means to have charisma, but I quickly realized that it brings more useful Google searches than "Art of Conversation".

I want to get back on track here and talk more about the science of conversation, but also bring in the science of charisma. After reading a couple things I have developed a list of books I want to read and people I would like to research.

Bill Clinton - Apparently, this dude was the man.  He knew how to command a room, really control an audience.  Not really sure why he had to screw it up by getting head from some fat intern, but I don't care about his politic.  I'm interested in his personality.  What drew people to him, and further more, what did he do to keep their interest.

The Clinton Factor - So I don't know if this guy was so obsessed with Clinton that he broke down his every action into easy to follow steps, but that's what this book is.  It's pretty much a how-to book on bill Clinton's personality and public speaking abilities - down to the last body language movement.  Very excited to start reading this.

Marilyn Monroe - This chick was the cat's meow.  Everyone wanted a piece of her, hell people still have posters of her in their college dorms.  The cool part was that she could turn it on and off.  It was a conciousable (not sure if that's a word) skill that she had.  I see here name pop up every now and then in books and articles I've read so I'm interested to learn more about her,.

The Charisma Myth - Like the Clinton Factor, this breaks down the science and art of charisma, but on a more general level.  Not sure about the details, but it came highly recommended from my trusted sources on amazon lol.

And of course, I'm still reading "How to Win Friends and Influence Others".  Dam that book is good, but they tell you to read each chapter twice, taking notes the second time - it takes sooooo long.  But I'm almost done, and I'll start posting about those chapters soon as well.

So let's get back into it.  I took a little break, but get ready for some posts! (that is, if I don't get lazy and just stop)

Oh, and happy birthday dad!!

ZEBRAS!!!!!