Mental Muscles

Anybody whose ever done any kind of physical exercise (I really hope that's everyone) knows that you can't do it forever.  Eventually your muscles start to wear down and you are physically unable to go any further.  At this point, you're probably in a little bit of pain, feeling that burn.  But if we know that exercising will bring us pain, why do we keep doing it?

Because we know what the outcome will be.  Sure we'll feel sore the next day, but after our muscles build back up we will be able to do more than we did before.  We have to break our muscles down to build them back up bigger.

This same idea goes for charisma.  Your charm is not just an endless flow of awesomeness continually emanating from your body (wouldn't that be cool though?).  It's something you can consciously turn on and off because you only have a limited amount of supply.  I've been reading a lot that you only have a set amount of willpower to use throughout the day.  If you are on a diet and constantly smell that box of donuts your co-worker brought in, it's going to take a lot of energy to not eat one of those donuts.  It will physically and mentally drain you.  BUT, continual exposure to and resistance of the donuts will build up this supply of willpower.  Sure, in the beginning you will be exhausted, but each time it will get easier and easier.  

I've been noticing the same thing when I'm trying to be charismatic.  I'll get really tired after only a couple hours.  I'll sometimes go home thinking "Man this stuff is exhausting, is it even worth it?"

The answer has to be yes.  I'm just not used to being so outgoing for extended periods of time.  I have to break down my mental walls to build up my endurance.  

That being said, i probably am overdoing it a little bit.  This improv stuff is going STRAIGHT to my head.  I find myself improvising during almost every conversation.  The other day I told my mom that I was getting a tattoo of a dragon on my left ass cheek.  She didn't freak, but she certainly was not pleased.

I'm going to try to tone it down a bit, but not too much.  I want to get used to being mentally fatigued, so much so that it doesn't affect my charisma anymore.  I need to get to the point where I'm not thinking about all the things that go into a charismatic personality and it just becomes second nature.  I need to let the subconscious take over, and to do that I have to teach it through my conscious mind.

I just ordered this book "Mind Over Mood" which pretty much teaches you exactly that - how to continually repeat things to yourself using your conscious mind so that you can train your subconscious mind to think in more beneficial ways.  Mad excited to start that, I'll let you know how it is!

In the arms of the angels...

So one thing I've been really excited to learn about is visualization and the ability to control your current mental state.  I cannot stress enough how invaluable a skill this is.  This was the main transformation I saw in myself after finishing the book "The Power of Now".  I was able to recognize when I would begin to have negative feelings, and I taught myself to objectively watch myself have these feelings.  Without bias, I simply observed the emotion without reacting to it, described what it felt like physically and mentally.  Immediately, the negative emotion was gone.  It was as if the emotion was a spiteful child who only wanted attention.  Refuse this attention, and the emotion melts away.

The stress in my life has SIGNIFICANTLY lessened, but this is not really "Controlling" mental states.  This is more defusing negative states.  I want to learn to fill myself with an emotion of my choosing at the drop of a hat.  Visualization is the key to this skill.

Over the course of my reading I have come across multiple methods that I will discuss in other posts, but I wanted to share one simple method that anyone can put to use today.

Remember when you were preparing for a certain event where you would be the center of attention?  It's quite daunting when you are not used to it.  As expected, someone close to you tries to calm you down and suggest "Imagine everyone else in their underwear!"  This is kind of like that.

What I've learned to do is imagine everyone with angel wings on their back.  Big, glorious, glowing angel wings, spread wide for the world to see.  Sound silly? Let me explain.

When talking with others, one characteristic that is vital to your charisma is warmth.  You gotta be nice dammit!!  You can have all the confidence in the world, but if you don't genuinely care about the well being of others, it will be apparent in your everyday interactions.  Now tell me, if you bump into a guy with angel wings walking on the street are you going to yell out "Hey dickhead, get outta my way!"?

No, you're not.  You're probably going to be concerned that they are hurt, concerned that you inconvenienced them on their journey to whatever destination they have.  The guys got freaking angel wings... I mean, come on.

Imagining everyone as angels just gives you that warm feeling inside.  It opens you up to seeing the inherent good in others, giving them the benefit of the doubt that they are genuinely nice people.  You will go into any interaction with an advantage because your warmth levels will be off the charts.  You will also find that you're less nervous.  Honestly, what bad is an angel gonna do you?  Except for Ben Affleck in "Dogma".  He was a bad angel, don't imagine him.

See these angels all around you, and then see yourself as one of them, part of a team all trying to make the world a better place.  Yea it sounds lame as hell, but who cares??  Your body language will be so relaxed and your demeanor will show a caring for other people.  I've been doing this for a week now and it only get's better the more I try it.

Give it a shot!  No one's going to know, what do you have to loose?  Commit to it, give it 100% and I'm telling you it will work.  You'll feel light like your floating on a cloud... or something, it's cool!

If you try it and it works, that's awesome!  Comment and share your story so others can learn and see that this silly, lame, korny shit actually works!

4 Fiber Bars in One Day is 4 Too Many Fiber Bars

I try to stay healthy.  Everything I read is telling me to eat more fiber - "It's good for your heart" "It helps your stomach" "It lowers the calories you intake".  Okay, you win society... I'll play your little game and eat some fiber.  What could go wrong?

I'm actually pretty familiar with the harsh effects of fiber, and if you are not, be sure to google it before you go all fiber crazy.  Back in my wrestling days, I would do whatever I could to shed a couple more ounces without actually having to workout.  The more fiber I took in, the more it pushed EVERYTHING else out (know what I'm saying?)... It makes you shit... like a lot

So in this midst of my new found obsession for health food, I decided to get back on the wagon and once again begin a high fiber diet.  Turns out that when you combine a protein shake, a glass of wheat grass juice, 3 cups of cottage cheese and 4 spoon fulls of chunky peanut butter with 200% of your daily value of fiber, it turns to stone... or explodes.. Scientifically, I cannot describe what was happening in my stomach, but it felt like world war 3 (stay with me here, the charisma stuff is coming).

It started on the train into the city.  I felt the McGurggles starting, but it wasn't too bad.  Walking over to the bar where I was to meet a friend was where shit got real.  I'm no literary mastermind so I won't try to impress you with some crazy metaphor here, but it hurt... a lot

I was meeting a friend I haven't seen in a while.  We weren't that close, but just felt like catching up a little bit.  I thought this was a perfect opportunity to put on my charismatic face and have a great conversation.  That is not what happened.

I tried to keep a straight face man, I really tried.  In the end, my effort was futile.  I was shifting my weight from side to side like an uncomfortable 4th grader asking a girl out for the first time.  As much as I tried to ignore this immense pain, it was the only thing I could focus on.  I wasn't able to listen to what my friend was saying, I wasn't able to stay present.  Furthermore, I could tell that she was starting to notice something was wrong.  My pain was starting to show through my body language and looking at her face, I noticed she felt uncomfortable because she knew I felt uncomfortable (follow me so far?).  

Our brains are so hardwired around our own lives, we take any signal of someone else being uncomfortable to be because of ourselves.  I can't say say for certain, but I can imagine the thoughts in her head going something like this:

"What the fuck is he doing?  Why does he look like he is about to shit himself?  Man, he looks so uncomfortable right now.  Is it because of me? Am I making him feel uncomfortable? What did I do to make him feel uncomfortable?  Great, now I feel uncomfortable... Thanks a lot Chris"

In the end I couldn't take it anymore.  I had to leave, but I couldn't just say goodbye and bolt.  That'd be weird.  I had no choice.  The only way to relieve this tension was to fess up and be honest.

"I really have to go.  I ate 4 fiber bars today and I now realize that was a huge mistake.  My stomach is killing me"

Her face of "This is awkward" melted away to reveal a more "Haha holy shit man that sucks" kind of face.  Immediately there was no more tension.  I put everything out on the table and made it clear that it was not her who was making me uncomfortable.  

I ended up actually leaving, the pain was too much to bear, but there are three things to take away from this experience:

1) Though your mental state is the main driver of your charisma, physical discomfort can be a HUGE liability.  Like I said in a previous post, what you're truly feeling inside will always come through in your body language, no matter how hard you try to hide it.  The other person will instinctively take this to mean that they are the cause of your discomfort.

2) Take every precaution you can to avoid any type of physical discomfort when you know you are going to have to be charismatic.  Where sunglasses to avoid the glare of the sun, take a shower to feel nice and fresh, and please please do not eat 4 fiber bars in one day.

3) If done all you can to prevent physical discomfort, but it comes anyway, just admit it.  Be open and explain it, that way the person you're talking to will know they are not the cause 

Win the Inner Battle to Fight the Outer War

It's funny how you can read so many different books, each with their own point of view and medium of expression, but then notice that they all have the same exact overarching theme.   Not all the books I've been reading have been on the subject of charisma, but apparently, all the authors had a conference and decided to write about the same exact thing and spin it different ways.

To change the world around you, you must first look inside the world within you.  And since the world within you lives and feeds on thoughts, you must first change the way you think.  

These 2 sentences pretty much sum up the last few books I've read.

The Power of Now - Live in the moment.  Don't burden your mind with thoughts of the future or see your present through the lens of the past.  Be completely present. 

Start - The voices in your head will always be negative.  They are comfortable with the definition of "Identity" that you have right now and will say anything to convince you not to change it.  If these voices are left unchecked, they will destroy you.

The Master Key System - The world without is simply a reflection of the world within.  People try to deal with external problems with external solutions.  They try to fix effects with effects.  The cause of everything in the external world is the environment of the internal world, and here lies the root of all problems.  

       -Mah man Rocky gave me this book, and two chapters in I can already tell it is going to change my life

The Charisma Myth - Most of the power of charisma comes through in your body language.  Since it is near impossible to consciously control every minute detail of your body language, we must control our mental states to portray confident body language.  No matter how hard you try, your body language will always show your true mental state.

Now I haven't read to much of The Charisma Myth, but I can already tell I'm going to like it.  I said in another post that I wanted to learn how to control my mental states and that just so happens to be the first chapter!  

There's a passage from this book that I'd like to share with you.  It sums up the HUGE importance of being able to control your mental state as it pertains to body language:

"No matter how brief that negative expression, the person facing you is going to spot it.  And all they know is that while you were looking at them and listening to them, a negative expression crossed your face.  Naturally they'll assume that expression was a reaction to them - what they said or did, or what you thought about them."

Isn't that so true???  Haven't you ever been talking to someone and could just sense that they were uncomfortable?  The person was probably subtly portraying  negative body language, and us being completely insane humans immediately assumed it was because of us.  It could have been that they forgot to feed the cat or turn the oven off (Yes, these are both things I often think of and sometimes do).  

This idea of having a positive mental state is not only to make ourselves feel comfortable, but to also make those around us feel comfortable.  When we have conversations, we want our face to say "Hey, I am enjoying this conversation and having a great time talking with you".  

I still have to read more details on exactly how to do this, but I wanted to share with you the idea behind it.  This is the "Why" of the equation.  Next is the "How"